The 2013 Invasion of The Lice

The invasion of lice during back-to-school season. Have you prepared your house for battle? (Satire)

Andrea Duran


Photo Credit: Krzysztof Niewolny at

Before I get into the great battle of 2013, let me burn the first and most common misconception. Lice only like clean hair. From what we’ve seen they also prefer hair that is longer, allowing girls to fall prey far more often.

Schools are Disney World to the local, ruthless louse. All that thick, natural, wonderful hair atop dozens of girls in an overcrowded classroom makes for a magnificent breeding ground for them.

When Target has their back-to-school sale, they might as well promote a section full of lice-killing medication to go with all of those fashionable backpacks and glittering notebooks and colorful gel pens.

Unfortunately, schools have stopped sending children home, lice or not, leading to constant infestations. They no longer look for patient zero, as they once had. And, after my experience, I believe the schools are in cahoots with the lice. The two have teamed up together to create a superpower, a one-government nation where the teachers can take control of us at a young and innocent age while the lice weaken us by stealing our blood. Together they make us docile and weak. Together they can turn us into pod people. It’s the only thing that makes sense! Why else would they allow it?

Schools like these, keeping children hostage with their pet lice, is what started the invasion. It is what started the battle of 2013.

The Battle of 2013

When I came home one afternoon, I witnessed my youngest sister, feverishly scratching her head. A seasoned veteran of lice invasions as a child, I recognized the signs immediately. Running my fingers through her hair, I gasped at the sight. Reproducing and implantation had begun.

“They’re here,” I said aloud like a sea voyage captain who has just witnessed the arrival of their mortal enemy upon their territory. “The lice have arrived.”

Flashbacks of my previous battles with the enemy plundered my mind, my hair reeking of eye-stinging chemicals, my back aching from bending and dipping my hair into a pot of boiling hot water, my scalp red and dry from…



Andrea Duran

Writer | Self-Development | Mental Health | Addiction | Fiction | B.A. Eng/Pysch | Addiction Counselor | Certified Hot Mess |